Why I deleted Dating Apps from my phone

So I’m posting this after the Christmas and New Years holidays. With little success in meeting someone from dating apps, I decided to delete them from my phone. Why? Because I found myself obsessing over trying to meet someone. So much so I was waking up and immediately checking my dating apps, checking them every few hours while I was taking a break or had nothing to do (alternative to Facebook I suppose), and then before I went to bed at night. In total I would say I was spending anywhere between 4-6 hours per day. That is crazy!!

I so want to meet someone that I found myself addicted to checking the apps. Concerned that if I didn’t that I could potentially be missing out on finding someone. Let’s be honest, while the world of dating apps has opened up more opportunities to meet someone, it has also opened up to becoming more competitive to attract someone.

Initially, with POF, I tried the Bumble approach asking for girls to contact me. I had a couple of messages, but none from girls I was compatible with. Then I tried adding them as favourites to attract them to check out my profile. I had views but no messages. I then went to the standard approach which is messaging girls I was interested in. This resulted in messages being unreplied to, with the very rare courtesy “Thanks, but no thanks” reply message.

While I didn’t resort to the cringe worthy single word ‘hi’ message, I came close to some. Why? Because I was finding that there were a number of profiles that simply had the About Me section with very little information. Some only had “Ask me”.

Girls want guys to message them first. Guys, after reading the girls profile, sends the girl a message asking about her and referring to parts of her profile, asking questions. Girl receives numerous messages from guys, many of whom they’re not interested in. Girl sends a polite ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ reply. Guy is frustrated and replies with a verbal tirade. So now the girl doesn’t reply to all the messages, just to those she is interested in. Guy who doesn’t receive a reply back sends more messages to girls, but as the girls don’t reply, he doesn’t go to the effort of a genuine message as these remain unanswered. So the guy sends an incredibly brief message, potentially only ‘hi’, so the girl will check out his profile. The guy may only provide a brief message because there simply isn’t much in the girl’s profile to actually reference for conversation ie I enjoy family, I like to travel, looking for someone to start out as friends. So he not only sends messages to only specific girls, but sends them to a lot of girls to increase his chances of a response rate. Now the girls are being bombarded by not just a few messages from guys, but numerous messages from guys (or perhaps this is what the girl needs for validation, I know guys who do the same on Tinder!). Not only are the messages from guys they’re not interested in, but there only content is ‘hi’. Girl get frustrated with POF because she is being bombarded by messages from guy’s she is not interested in. Guy is getting frustrated at girls not messaging back.

Why don’t girls just message guys they’re interested in first. This removes this whole issue!

Also, are we all waiting for something better? Do our expectations exceed reality? Are guys seeking out Scarlet Johanson and girls Channing Tatum? I replied to girls I wasn’t interested in saying that I was happy to meet for a coffee, but only as friends. Am I as guilty as everyone else of this?

The end result is through obsession, addiction perhaps, of finding someone, I was spending too much time on dating apps. I need to get my time, life if you will, back from this easily accessible electronic cupid cocaine.

Bumble App- from a guy’s perspective

bumble-logo

So I just started using Bumble. This app has been around since 2014. While very similar to Tinder, it comes with one unique difference.

The girl HAS to make the first move. The girl is given the power to message you only. And they can’t just sit on it, they have to message you within 24 hours.

Benefit of this for the girls is no more unwanted messages from guys. If you both match she has to make contact with you. So this means guy’s aren’t sending cut and paste messages to girls (or worse ‘hi’). The onus is on the girl to message if she is interested.

Has the Tinder feel. Pictures still form a big part of the app. You still swipe left and right if interested or not. Location still is a part of the app functionality. The info about you is limited to 300 characters.

I think they need to still put a bit more emphasis on the info section of the app. This will improve compatibility for those genuinely seeking a relationship. Being an app where women are in control, I found this a let down that it still focuses on looks.

Incomplete profiles. Many girls I found were not completing their profile. This leads on from the previous Tinder feel comment.

I would have preferred, being a female oriented app, that there was a requirement of a limited number of character entries into the profile. This will also help guys sort out those girls who are only setting up a Bumble account to check it out.

Visible/Hidden setting. Non existent.

Meaning you are either visible or you need to close your account to no longer be seen. I know other apps don’t allow this to ensure their user statistics to be always growing, making them greater then they actually are. It seems Bumble has followed on this.

What this means is you may be saying you like a profile that is no longer active! Making the app a potential time waster, for guys and girls, if the majority of profiles are no longer active users.

Message timer is 24 hours. Both you and the girl are notified of a match. But if they don’t send a message within 24 hours then the window to send a message closes. As a guy you do have one time extension per day to allow a message to be sent within 24 hours. Likewise, every message has to be sent within 24 hours of one being received.

I fell initially into the trap of waiting for a message when I matched. Don’t! Like other dating apps, the girl still has plenty of choices. I haven’t yet used the time extender. The girl is in control to message, so if she is interested, let her message you within the 24 hour window.

6 Picture limit. Unlike Tinder, the number of photo’s is limited to 6. I have also noticed a bit of a connection issue at peak times (Sunday night) meaning the pictures take a while to load.

Occupation and Education. As the app connects with Facebook, it picks up on where you work and your education from your Facebook profile.

While you have the ability to reset your occupation to a selection of preset occupations, I am not overly happy with the inability to change where I studied. I don’t have the ability to reset this from the name of my educational institution ie ABC University to just ‘University’ or ‘Degree’.

BFF search setting. You can set your search to just looking for friends.

I found this a particularly annoying factor on other dating apps, where women were using it to find friends. I am not against using technology to meet new people with the intent of friendship only, I am a big fan of Meetup! But when you are using a dating app, you have the expectation others are on there for the same purpose, to find a possible relationship. Bumble resolves this with the BFF setting!

Spotify add. You have the ability to connect your Spotify account to let girls see your music preferences and yours theirs.

I don’t get it?! For a dating app so light on information, yet goes so specific as connecting to Spotify for music preference it can only mean one thing… a source of revenue or data collection. I mean, if your partners preference in music is not one of your top priorities, then I don’t see how this is any use to either a guy or a girl in finding someone.

Overall

For those wanting to look more at compatibility than just looks, Bumble is a let down.  In addition to this, being limiting to 300 characters doesn’t allow for creating much info about you.

Is Bumble a hookup app for girls? If they are only looking for pics, then yes. If you are more serious about who you are looking for, Bumble may just be a girls alternative to Tinder. I would still rank other apps more highly then Bumble where information is more significant, such as POF or RSVP.

Where Bumble wins out is the girl is not bombarded by messages from guys, meaning girls will not be message fatigued. As a guy this means no more sending unwanted messages.

A message from a girl means she is interested. I have heard more positive comments about this app from guys saying the quality of contact from girls is better than that of Tinder.

Women discriminating by height, you’re missing out on finding love

Two articles relating to women discriminating because of height when dating.

“However, if a guy openly stated he only dated women who can rock a size 8 mini, we’d be morally outraged. But it seems far more acceptable for women to discriminate and even disparage guys that literally don’t measure up. (Would you like a side order of hypocrite with that physical double standard, ladies?)

Then women moan that there just aren’t any decent men out there. Not surprising, if they’re rejecting a great swath of the male population by setting unrealistic height restrictions.” news.com.au (31st July 2016)

Being tall and single not easy for women” The Courier Mail (13th May 2008)

Why being short is a deal breaker” news.com.au (31st July 2016)

How to write the first POF message that will receive a reply

pof-inbox

 

So you want to send a message to someone you have seen on Plenty of Fish. But how should you write the message to improve your chances of a reply? Or you have received a message and want to continue the conversation.

First, does your profile and their profile have something you can write to them about? I wrote an article “Writing an original POF profile” as to what you should include to encourage receiving quality messages. Does their profile have a question you can answer? What is in their profile that is unique about that person? This is what you will want to include in that first message! What was it that got your attention in their profile.

  1. Guy’s, girls don’t want the first message to be ‘hi’
  2. Guys, girls don’t want you telling them how hot they look.
  3. Start the message using the person’s name such as “Hi Lisa” or “Hi John”. This tells them you have read their profile. Using someones name is also more engaging then ‘Hi’.
  4. Use what’s in the persons profile. What is unique about them or replying to their question. Yes, this requires reading their profile. Personally, I don’t write to girls where there is nothing in their profile or it is very simple. I especially don’t message girl’s with the About Me section saying “Ask me”. That tells me she didn’t put any thought in or its a scammer. Keep this to only 1 or 2 sentences. For example “Hi Lisa, I really liked that you have a passion for doing volunteer work with the disabled.”
  5. You should follow with a question about the person to respond back with. Ideally this should be something in their profile asking about something that is unique about them. For example “What book are you currently reading?”
  6. The reply message should be similar, a reply to their question followed by a question to continue the conversation. “Hi John, Yes I have a love for reading and I’m currently reading Game of Thrones. I really love the books as well as the TV series. have you read the books or seen the TV series? You enjoy bike riding. What is one of your favorite riding destinations?”

 

By reading the other persons profile you can see what their interests are and what is unique about them. From this you can send a simple message to start the conversation. This is why an original profile is so important. Placing a question at the end of the message gives the person receiving the message something to reply back with. Likewise if they have shown an interest in your profile and want to continue to receive a message back they should include a question to reply with.

if you want to stop messaging someone read the article “POF messaging etiquette- Should I reply?”

POF Messages- Why is it the guy who has to send the first message?

pof-inbox

 

NO! Girls, if you’re interested in a guy then send him a message. Rather than complain about all the messages from guys you are not interested in. Men receiving a first message from a girl is less than the number a girl receives. No, guys don’t think you must be desperate to send them a message. We will take more interest in you if you send a message then if we came across your profile among the literally thousands that we look at. If you message it tells us you’re interested in us.

If he doesn’t reply to you, read the article “POF messaging etiquette- Should I reply?”. Girls like to be chased by a guy to show he is interested. BUT……Guys see it on many a profile- “If you like my profile send me a message and say hi”. NO! Because if we do send a message just saying ‘hi’ it will be one of the dozens of messages you will receive that day from guys. You will then complain about the number of messages you receive each day and this will be why you don’t respond to them all.

I refer back to my previous article “Writing an original POF profile” where I suggest for girls ways they can ensure a guy will send an original message to you and to reduce the number of or be able to sort through messages more easily. I have also wrote an article on when you should message a guy back “POF messaging etiquette- should I reply?” .

So if you come across a guy’s profile and you like it, send him a message. He could be interested in you and your sending the first message could be the start of a great relationship!

Happy dating!!

POF messaging etiquette- Should I reply?

pof-inbox

So this is a contentious issue for girls and guys using POF. Should girls reply to a message they are sent?

So lets start with the facts. Girl’s are sent numerous messages on POF. I have written a previous article on how to reduce or sort through these messages quickly in ‘Writing an original POF profile’.

So with so many messages should girl’s only reply to the messages they want to?

Lets break the types of messages down into those you should reply to and those you shouldn’t reply to.

Should Reply To

We will get to rude and abusive messages later. But why should a girl reply to a message even if she isn’t interested? Because the time it takes for a guy to read your profile, think of the message to send and then write it takes longer then for you to read and reply ‘Thanks for the message, but in reading your profile I don’t think we’re compatible. I wish you well in your search.” You can save this in your phone to copy and paste to save you time.

  1. Firstly, a girl at any time has the right, like any guy, to say thanks but not interested to continue corresponding. For example “Thanks for the message, but I don’t feel we’re compatible. Best of luck with your search”
  2. A first message that is not abusive or rude.
  3. A message that is not abusive or rude but you don’t want to continue correspondence. No one likes ‘Ghosting’ where someone sends a message but no longer hears from the person.
  4. You have met someone in the time of communicating. Let them know you have found someone you are wanting to pursue a relationship with and no longer wish to communicate with them. For example “I just wanted to let you know I have found someone I am now seeing, so will no longer be corresponding with you. I wish you well in your search.”
  5. Messages that go no where. Yes, the messages that go on for weeks and don’t lead to anything as a request to meet or talk. Don’t ghost the person. Let them know you are no longer interested in messaging them and wish them well in their search.

 

Shouldn’t Reply to

Firstly, this is using the dating app messaging service. If you give out your phone number then this is different. I suggest you use the app Kik for providing them your Kik username to message you. When you feel confident to give them your phone number then do so.

  1. Rude and abusive messages. Straight forward you don’t need to reply to these. But if you do let them know you don’t appreciate their being rude and abusive, I suggest to let that be the last message and then block them to stop receiving any more. Guys and girls can interpret humor as being okay to use rude or abusive language or it can be misinterpreted through texts. But playing it safe and not replying is fine.
  2. Requests for pictures, dic pics, or vulgar language. Simply put this is not tolerable. Block them and don’t bother responding. I admit guys send late night drunk messages and we think with the head attached to our waist without filtering the action with the head attached to our shoulders. Respect is key. Again, you can reply saying you don’t appreciate the message and then block them to save a reply retort.
  3. Scammer. It’s pretty simple to understand why.
  4. A message with just ‘hi’. Yes, a guy didn’t put in the effort. But also refer to my article ‘Writing an original POF profile’ on how you can reduce guys from sending these.

Pictures that turn guy’s off your dating profile

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‘A picture is worth a thousand words…’ So here are some tips on what pictures to NOT put on your profile unless you want guys to not check out your profile.

  1. No photo or hidden pictures- You need to have pictures of yourself on your profile to get a guy’s attention.
  2. Only one photo- While it’s better than no photo’s, you should have at least three photo’s of yourself.
  3. Photo’s that are older then 1 year- we all change over time. Putting a picture of you that is a younger version of you is only going to lead to disappointment if you meet. The majority of your photo’s should be taken in the last 12 months.
  4. Fat and Thin pictures- Again, put up recent photo’s of yourself. If we see photo’s of you thin and then one of you with a bit more weight, we know which one is you now! Be honest with us and yourself.
  5. Blurry photos- Put a clear photo of yourself. Blurry is not a good look.
  6. Covered face- have a clear photo of your face. If it’s covered by a hat, big sunglasses, hair, a pet, a kid etc, then we can’t see you.
  7. Where’s Wally- These are the photo’s where there are multiple people/girls in each photo. Dating Apps are not an online ‘Where’s Wally’ book! If you change your hair color in the photo’s it doesn’t help. If you’re going to have a picture with other people, tell people where you are. For example, blonde third from the right. Provide the first photo of just you as a head shot.
  8. Long distance photo’s- It’s great you want to show yourself outdoors. But a pic of you way in the distance really doesn’t help us. It’s a waste of a profile picture.
  9. Back photo- If you are giving a photo with your back turned, then it needs to be a full body shot, show off your hair or your outfit. But no more than one!
  10. Wedding photo- PLEASE, if you’re single, putting a photo of you in your wedding gown is a TURN OFF! It either means your married or you’re thinking about marriage even before we have met.
  11. Photo with the ex- If we see you kissing or hugging a guy affectionately in a photo, we’re not going to be impressed. You still have ex issues if you have these photos.
  12. Kids in photo’s- I get it, you have kids. But you don’t need them in the photo. We are dating you, not your children. If guys are checking out your children in the picture rather than you, then you’re starting with problems!
  13. Pets, cars, memes, landscapes etc- We want to see pictures of you, not of your pets, your car, a tree. To quote one girl “I don’t want to see a picture of your car. Unless you’re a transformer and you are the car.”
  14. Tricks we know for curvy girls- We know the tricks. Cleavage pics especially downward selfies, standing at the back in group photo’s, no body photo’s, long distance photo’s, showing old photo’s when you were thinner ‘Fat and Thin’ photos. Be you as this is who guys will be meeting.
  15. Bikini’s, active wear and glamour/going out- Now you might be thinking ‘hang on, why are you saying no photo’s wearing a bikini or active wear?!’ I’m not saying don’t put a photo of you in a swimsuit or active wear. I’m saying if all we see are photo’s of you in bikini’s, active wear or dressed up going out or glamour shots, we are most likely going to think your profile is a scammer. Or you’re the person being sung about in the song “Love Yourself”!
  16. Who Are you attracting?- For me personally, I don’t like girls sticking their finger up, holding a beer can, laying on their car in singlet and shorts, holding up a fish. This is because I don’t date bogans. So put photo’s of yourself that convey who you are and the type of guy you want to attract.

Writing an original POF profile

POF Fish imageOkay, you’ve decided to create a Plenty of Fish (POF) profile in the search for a soul mate, or because you want your friends to stop pestering you (Or to stop the rumours you’re a lesbian). But here’s the thing, guys read literally hundreds, if not thousands of girls profiles. And many go something like this

“Hi, I’m a fun loving/down to earth girl.

My family/friends/children mean the world to me.

I have a job that I love and it keeps me busy.

I like going to the gym and exercise. I like to live and eat healthy, but I do enjoy a glass of red.

I like to [insert outdoor activities].

But I also like to stay in some nights and watch a movie.

I like to travel and I’ve been to [insert names of countries]. I would like to do a lot more.

I am looking for [insert attributes in a guy that are probably not realistic].

I am not looking for casual one nighters or dtf.”

 

Does your profile sound like this? If it does, you’re one of the many profiles that sound exactly like this. This leaves only your picture’s as unique. So it’s no different to Tinder except you don’t get to decide who sends you messages.

What can you do?

Your wanting guys to message you. And plenty will. But you want guys to send you an original message. An original message requires an original profile that he can use to message you about. Girls wonder why guys only send a ‘hi’ message. These profiles are why. He is just wanting you to check his profile out and see if you like his profile. If you do he hopes you will then message back. Tinder by message!

If you’re lucky he may put some effort in with “What’s your favorite place you’ve traveled to?” This is a generic question that is probably a copy and paste. Why? Because many profiles have some type of travel in them.

  1. It starts with your username. Select one that is significant to you.
  2. Write a headline that will get attention. Something about fishing or fish is not original!
  3. Be honest in your profile but be different. Say something that is unique about you. What is your dream job or activity? What was your favorite school subject? Who do you idolize? What is a deal breaker for dating a guy? What is your pet hate?
  4. Provide a question for the guy to answer. This gives him something to message you with. Have it be about something you’re interested in or something that tells you something about him. Don’t ask a question about something listed above unless it is different. For example if asking a question about travel, ask a question like ‘If you could travel to any fictional place, where would you go?’ Or about exercise ‘What is your ultimate goal from working out?’
  5. if you want to reduce the messages you read, include a code word. This is a word somewhere in your profile that you request to be put at the start of the message otherwise you won’t read or reply. If you see the word at the start of the message, they’ve read your profile! If not, then they obviously haven’t read it thoroughly.
  6. Pictures- including pictures is a must. I will write a separate post on pictures!

 

So if you want guys to send you more than just ‘hi’ as a message, give them something to message you about by being original. If you want to sort the guys who have read your message from those who haven’t made the effort, then include a question and or code word.